the world out there

I wake up, take a look at Instagram: Everyone is happy, out there in the world. Gazing at sunsets from mountain tops. Exploring coral reefs. Peering at the halos of light on the roofs of caves. Jumping from waterfalls in Costa Rica. Fine dining in Italy. Clear blue waters in Thailand. 

Thailand. I had plans to go there, just before the girls were born. I was going to drive on the left side of the road in Phuket. Breathe the cool mountain air in Chang Mai. Ride in a Tuk Tuk in Bangkok. See a new shade of blue in Ko Tao. But the trip never escaped the edges of my mind. 

Now, I wake up and remember those plans many others I’ve had throughout the years. I drink a cup of coffee and go help Coley feed the girls their breakfast. We take a family walk in the neighborhood. We play with the girls. We work on therapies with June. We feed the girls lunch. The girls nap and we eat lunch, play games, watch a movie or look at our phones.

Maybe I check Instagram: Someone is driving an old VW van across Iceland. Someone else is in a biplane, circling over a volcano. Taking a pano of a mountain range. Looking down at their sandy toes on a bleach white beach. Standing at the base of a redwood, arms outstretched. Leaving footprints in the sand and the mud. Picking poppies in China. Climbing the steps of the great pyramids of Giza. Hiking to Machu Picchu in Peru.

Peru. Coley and I went there about a decade ago to hike the Inca trail. We visited Ollantaytambo and Winay Wayna. Climbed up into ancient agricultural wonders. Drank Chicha. Shit in holes in the ground. Sweated and froze. Gazed across the sacred valley at Dead Woman's Pass. Stacked prayer rocks on top of her. Made friends with lamas. Ate Peruvian palta rellena. Listened to natives speak Quechuan. Learned about the power of the Chakana.

Now, I spend my afternoons remembering those adventures. I hit the reset button. I drink a can of La Croix and help Coley feed the girls their dinner. We take a family walk in the neighborhood. We play with the girls. We work on therapies with June. We bathe them and feed them bottles. The girls sleep and we eat dinner, play games, watch a movie or look at our phones.

Maybe I check Instagram: A few cynical memes and news flashes. Another celebrity suicide with an inspirational quote. Images of burnt flesh in a war zone. Some pictures of people living in famine.

My life's not so bad.